While we’re on the subject of facebook…I’m wondering if anyone else has heard of this new trend in the social network world: Facebook Affairs.
The most common scenario: Person A gets a facebook account, finds Person B – long lost fling – starts poking, wall messaging, sending little green trees (sorry, i hate that app)…before you know it, there is an emotional affair happening over the world wide web.
One article I read called these people “retrosexuals”.
I’ve had two people that I know tell me someone important in their life has almost ruined their marriage with a facebook affair.
Obviously there are no hard statistics at this point – but I wonder if anyone else has known of someone reconnecting with an old flame only to have it threaten their marriage?
Here’s one crazy story online.
And here’s an article that describes how easily it can happen.
As I was talking to John about this last night, I realized that in a sense, this is what I call Girl Porn. Sorry for the vulgarity, but it’s the best way I could think to connect what a battle this could become for a woman. Just as a man is often visually stimulated, women are just as often emotionally stimulated.
But the scary part of all of this is how subtle it is. A man can set up Covenant Eyes and have to report to those holding him accountable for the websites he has visited. But a woman visits facebook a hundred times a day, checking for a message from a certain someone, or checking to see if that person opened an account, or is tagged in a picture…
The point is that the Enemy is crafty. He always has been. And just when we think we’ve wrapped our brain around something he has already destroyed, in this case, the marriages in shambles because of internet pornography…he is working on something else.
Let’s not be blind to the subtle temptations that plague us in the most “innocent” of activities. Let’s not wake up five years from now with marriages in shambles because of emotional affairs or reconnections with long lost flings.
“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.“ Matthew 10:16
Ashleigh,
This is a very good post. I’ve had 2 old flames find me on FB and I did accept their friend request, more out of curiosity as to what they were doing and what their families looked like. I should have known better and just “let by gones be by gones” as it did cause some problems with my husband. I politely sent both of them a message that I would be removing them as my “friends” but that I was happy to see that they were doing well and had a beautiful family. I learned a good lesson. The enemy is so sneaky, and I will not be accepting any other friend requests from any significant others from my past.
Great follow up Angie. Proud of you for doing the hard/best thing!
hey ashleigh! I love that you wrote this post as I couldn’t agree more. we, as women, are so incredibly stimulated by emotions and I don’t think there’s anything more dangerous than playing the “what if” game in our heads.
This is all totally true. I was talking to my coworker about something similar the other day. Apparently she still knew her ex-boyfriend’s email password, and would go on periodically to check it. She is currently in a new relationship, and I asked her why she would want to jeopardize that. She said, “Well, you know. Just because you break up with someone, there is still that emotional connection. You want that other person to still want you, even if you don’t want them”. I guess everyone wants to feel wanted and loved, but you are right- if you give Satan the opportunity, He will take it, and it can quickly become a slippery slope.
Happened to me when I was single. Old flame…getting back in touch. I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, but it was a surprise reconnect nonetheless. I can see how easy it would be to happen quickly and get out of hand. Another reason I cleaned my facebook friends out last fall.
and this, my friend, is why i love you so very much. you are wise wise wise. “facebook, get behind me!!”
[...] Jump to Comments Ashleigh has started an important conversation about FACEBOOK on her [...]
This was soooo good Ashleigh! I selfishly think that men don’t have a right to talk to me since I am married! But I’m kind of crazy…
I could so see how a simple “hello! how are you! what have you been up to?” could turn into something that the devil would use to try to tear apart a family!
I really like facebook and how it has allowed me to connect/re-connect with people. But your post is helping me to keep the caution flag up while I am logged in…
Thanks for being obedient to the Holy Spirit and writing this VERY appropriate and applicable post!
Love ya girl…
[...] Ashleigh wrote a VERY GOOD post that I think EVERY woman, married or single, should read! Go here and read about “Facebook [...]
Cyber-sexual affairs are actually quite common. I wrote a post about this on the Covenant Eyes blog, Breaking Free:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/05/08/not-just-a-mans-problem-women-and-porn-addiction/
My wife of four months and mother to our two kids
has just told me she is leaving me for another man she has been contantly talking with on Facebook. She says they are now soulmates and must be together. She is already looking at houses and refuses to listen to any family or friends. It started only two weeks ago. All her recent life history she has ammended to justfy her actions. It is as though she has been brainwashed or drugged. I am only clinging on to the hope that she will see reality, and I will keep every door open for her.
My wife is doing the exact same thing. We are getting divorced and she has only one thing on her mind…..getting together with this old high school boyfriend after 15 years of marriage to me. It’s absolute insanity. I have no idea what to do. I’m trying to keep the door open too but she is so far gone I can’t believe it. She has also amended our twenty year relationship to justify her actions.
Andrew, my wife is doing the same as well. Been together 10 years married for 4 with 2 children.
Has happened so quickly, exactly how you described it.
I am going through the same and really feel for you.
Not sure about your wife, but mine has also cut off virtually all connections to our children. Like you said, not listening to family or friends, it’s like she’d been brainwashed or drugged.
My wife of 19 years (today) left after developing a facebook emotional relationship. She has lied to me, friends and even family and has re-written our history and has painted me as the enemy who caused this to happen. The literature that I read tells me that someday, somewhere, she will have an awakening, but the path of destruction has occurred over 4 months and we are losing our dream home and she has spent of $70,000 in two months of money that we worked hard to earn. I am scared and alone, no kids. My faith in God is there, but I question why I am enduring this much pain, it is more than I can take. I pray fervently for my wife first, then for our marriage.
I wish I would have known about this problem months ago. I’m going through this with my wife of nearly 20 yrs right now! She started IM’ing an old boyfriend. I just thought he was an old friend of hers & everything was “innocent”. She went back to her old hometown & went out with him just “as friends”. Now she has “developed” unexplained feelings for him. MEN BEWARE!! I would have NEVER thought this would happen to my marriage!! NEVER!!
I found out that my wife of 18 years (we have three kids) has been e-mailing a new “friend” on facebook. They have exchanged photos, commented on how important it is to keep their info secret so I wouldn’t find out. She actually has a new, secret e-mail account so notifications don’t go to our family account. They have professed their attraction to each other. Crap… We had just made love one night and first thing that morning she contacted him saying that she thought of him all night. I have not brought this up to her since part of me is curious as to how far she would take this. I think emotional cheating is a little worst than physical. To me, emotional means that you lost their heart. Physical can be a quick gratification. But once the heart and soul is with someone else, all is finished. I feel hurt and betrayed beyond all belief.
Yes facebook i do believe has just ruined and ended my 17 year realtionship with my wife who i truly loved very much.. It was hardest thing i ever went through in my life watching my marriage fail and my two young sons having to go through the nightmare too..
it went like this, my wife had joined facebook and connected with a school sweetheart from when she was about 16 and i assume this guy was her first.. I had heard the story about how she had went with a guy in school and he broke up with her to date her best friend at the time , the fellow and her best friend went on to marry and i guess where married until recent and he joined facebook posting there for dating and one thing lead to the other now here i am giving up half of my hard earned money and real estate assets and finacial security that i created for the well being of my familys future as well as colleage savings for my boys.. I never would have thought my wife would have had an affair but i caught this real quick and called her out on it.. if you are having that gut feeling something is wrong theres a good chance it is .. thats what clued me in it was just my instinct that something is up.. so now here i am trying to recover from a emotional train wreck which i truly know would have not happened if it was not for the reconnection of them on facebook.. they where seperated by one state a little over two hours apart.. i can only now know what couples go through in divorce and seperation. if u havent been there u just dont know .. I know its not facebooks fault , but i would still be in a happy marriage if it where not for the site.. no doubt in my mind about it.. guess she feels like she had a chance to get the man she lost.. and now here i am crushed dazed and confused.. oh well ! guess i never had what i thought i did.. and now will move forward.. i heard once what dont kill you will make you stronger so guess i will be stonger soon.. Peace and blessing Terry
I feel for you. i am in the exact same situation. she finds an old boyfriend on facebook and now we are getting a divorce. It has destroyed two families.
This has happended to me, almost exactly as your story. I’ve been married eighteen years and it is now over, and I have three kids that I adore and I won’t be able to tuck them in bed every night. Why??? Because curiousity. She just had to look them up on FB, then there is the usual story to catch each other on what happened, then there is chat, then there is inevitably “did you ever wonder what would have happened if…..” and it all goes down hill from there. It happened three times in the last year and I was able to feel it and see it happening immediately (always trust your gut!). What is tough is that she didn’t think anything was wrong with it? What? When you say “I’ve never really loved my husband the way I love you”, there is nothing wrong with it? I’d would have preferred she got drunk and had sex in the parking lot with a stranger. Bottom line is this…if you are doing something, saying, typing something to someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t do if your husband/wife were sitting next to you, then you shouldn’t be doing it. If you have secrets about your activity…it is an affair, it is crushing. Some of you may not be religious, but there is a reason why Adultry is in the top of the 10 commandments…it is pure evil!
Here is a link to an interesting survey done about online affairs…more than 70% of them are woman that do it. http://www.dearpeggy.com/emotional.html
[...] Jump to Comments My wife recently wrote a blog post about Facebook Affairs. She brigns to light an important issue that is affecting thousands of people. This new trend is [...]
[...] problem with Facebook: We should all take notice. Jump to Comments linked: http://ashleighcarroll.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/facebook-affairs/#comments linked: [...]
Excellent blog. I really don’t think people realize the danger of facebook and other social networking sites until it is too late. You have to be careful. What starts out innocent can spiral. I’ve also been astonishied at what people share and reveal. When you put something “out there” it really is out there for the whole world to see.
Why isn’t there more research being done on this subject?
On November 18th, 2008 I discovered my wife of 15 years was having an online affair with an old friend from highschool. While our relationship had not been perfect, the two of us seemed to be in love, working toward common goals, and actively involved in our church. The realization that she had been so willing to sacrifice my trust in such a short amount of time was astonishing! It was literally three days from the intial contact to the opening of a secret email account.
She never tried to quit, I caught her. For a least a week, as I tried to put the peices together and sort out what we should do, my wife continueed to lie about the severity of what happened. I was able to capture the secret emails (with her permission) and print them out for our marraige counsellor…but that was only half of the correspondence. The IM messages and Facebook conversations had been deleted and I am left with a lot of questions about how far the conversations went. I do they were seriously planning a meeting – and it might have happened sooner if they were not physically seperated by so many miles. My 14+ year marraige was horribly tainted by a emotional fling that lasted just under a month.
The loss I feel, even months later, is for a relationship I thought I had with my wife and best friend. Our two young children don’t know, but some days it is incredibly hard just to be present.
We are still together by the grace of God…and He HAS taught me much more about Grace than I ever cared to know before.
Just last week my wife discovered a friend was meeting a man from her own past after hooking up on Facebook. “Emotional Porn for Women” is actually a very accurate way of understanding the moth-to-flame attraction this kind of affair seems to have on women…Especially the Christians who think they are safe.
I preach about the dangers of frivolous diversions such as Facebook to anyone who will listen.
Thank you for the post. I wish more people took this seriously!
I have been married to the most wonderful, Godly man for 11 years. We have 4 beautiful children together. Things are wonderful between us…then, an old flame friend requests me on facebook. So I accept, interested to see how he is doing, what life is like, etc. It’s been 16 years since we’ve seen each other, and we are 1000 miles apart. What was intentioned to be just a “hey, how are you…great to hear from you…take care!” turned into a full blown cyber affair between us. Old feelings emerged as we recalled old situations and memories. The affair moved from just chatting on facebook, to txting each other daily, to me planning a trip to visit family as a cover to see him again, ready and willing to move this affair full blown…my husband, unaware that anything was wrong, discovered my secret one morning when he was looking for a phone number in my cell. Never in my life have I ever seen such hurt and betrayal on a persons face. The Holy Spirit was speaking to me loud and clear throughout this 3 week rendevous, yet, I was so sucked up in this sin, that I couldn’t stop. I have since asked for forgiveness from my husband, who has been more gracious and merciful to me than I ever deserve, and he has forgiven me. But the pain is still there…everytime I look in his eyes, I see it. All for a few weeks of fleeting fantasy with someone who said he loved me still after 16 years (convieniently now since he’s in the middle of a divorce from his wife of 15 years…the girl he left me for to marry)…I have hurt the only man who has ever truly loved me for me. All I can say is that I am now off of facebook, and don’t intend on ever getting on it again. I don’t blame facebook, but the enemy will use any tactic he can to destroy solid, Godly marriages.
Hello,
My name is James, been in a relationship for 20 years with my highschool sweat heart and married to her for 16. She is the absolute love of my life and the most beautiful woman and has the most beautiful heart god has ever created. Due to outside crisis we have been struggling with a family crisis. My beautiful wife reached out to many peiople for advice and the final person she reached out to got her. He played a game of agreeing and saying everything she needed to hear. My wife has been out of the home for 2 months and for the first 3 weeks did not even notice there were kids. She made no effort to contact the choildren. Three days following her exit her cellular phone bill came to the house. I fell to my knees in tears realizing my worst fear was true. She had been speaking to a man she new fromt he past and reconnected on face book through my estranged step brother. This man did all he could to win her over and it worked. Till this day she will not even look me in the eye nor drive on our street to the home weve shared 10 years. I pray so hard to have her open her eyes that she has become the target of a man who just wants one things. She is in total denial telling me it is innocent. While ourr family is in total turmoil she has booked a flight 1500 miles away to our home town. She says she will stay with friends and for me not to ruin her weekend. She still hasnt realized what she thinks is innocent he is surely thinking is a great night 10 days from now. I have never felt so scared for my future and kids future ever in my life. This man I come to find out is a total cheat on his wife. He has four kids and while hsi unknowing wife cooks him dinner he spends over 3 hours a day talking to my wife. He knows what to say as she was vulnerable over the crisis we had. She is a very beautiful inoocent naive woman but at my therapist says she is completely sucked in to this mans words. Oh god I pray for her to see the truth before it is too late. This man is a dirty man even going as far telling me I am an evil manipulator in an email. She laughed and forward all my correspondence to this man and they chuckle.
I beg for someone to file a class action suit against this social network site and plan to start a petition myself. I surely admit to mistakes I have made over the course of 20 years however my heart is 100% in her best interest and I am deathly scared for the damage that is about to afflict my entire family.
I beg others pray for my wife to open her eyes and look at her children and see what she is doing isnot healthy and not becoming of a woman who is notrmally very reserved and ethical. I beg for hog to answer my prayers yet through this I have become stronger than i have been in 20 years. I am clean, seeing a therapist, I am attending meetings daily. Frequent meetings with my new pastor and anything else i can to do understand. I feel for everyone else who has been siffering with simular situations. I am devastated by this. I love her and would do anything for her to stop before it is too late. He is a dirty man and writes dirty comments for me to see.
Please know felling cheateee’s I am feeling your pain. My wife has to be the most level headed person I have ever met and she is totally in denial making me look like the anti christ when all along I have said i am hear for you and love you deeply. Please stop before you destroy our entire family.
All the best and good luck to all! Please pray for us!
James M
Yes my wife of 23 years is with her Facebook man today. 50 days ago she told me of the relationship. So far just emotional because 1500 miles seperates them. It started with a simple enough comment that your husband sounds like a lucky man and then proceeded to the question; Are you really happy? He has asked my wife to marry him sight unseen, except that he was a couple of years behind her in High School and he remembers her. This man has asked his wife for a divorce and moved out. My wife only asked that we seperate until she meets him and decides what to do. Although I am not sure if they will end up together, I do not think my marriage will survive this. It is very hard to be told by your wife that she thinks she loves another man and that he makes her feel better than her husband does with his love letters. Both 20+ year marriages, with 7 kids involved. If we do survive this, we will probably have the best marriage ever. It has ben a gut wrenching experience with a many tears and a lot of self discovery.
Mike let me give you a piece of advice. My wife had an affair 5 years ago and this is something you don’t easily get over. Right now you are in panic mode. You think that if only she’d stay it will be ok. My experience has been the opposite, you will forever have trust issues. It’s not worth it. Close this door and go open another one.
I discovered my wife just discovered my wife had secretly signed up for a facebook account. I’ve noticed for the last week or so when I’d walk by she would quickly close out the browser window (this has happened at least a dozen times). 5 years ago she had an affair but I thought we had worked things out. So I Googled “wife facebook affair” and landed here. Talk about red flags and flairs going off. Obviously considering past events and that for the last month or so my intuition has nagged at me that something isn’t right (yes I’ve asked her if everything was and it’s always yes what makes you think it isn’t and all I can come back with is I just have this vague feeling that it isn’t).
Thankfully 1 of my kids is self sufficient and the other one almost is. After reading through these posts I’ve decided it just isn’t worth having these nagging trust issues anymore. I thought about signing up for a facebook account just so I could try and keep and eye out, but then that is entirely futile and an absurd way to live your life. Instead, I’m going to prepare for a divorce so I’m not blind sided like some of you. Been there, done that, never again.
My husband found his crush from 2nd grade on FB, started an emotional affair, added a visit-her leg onto a (solo — he’s a teacher and has the summer off) cross-country road trip to see relatives … and of course had a physical affair while he was there. Although I had suspicions, I was kept in the dark although he claimed to feel our relationship was OVER. When he was gone, I found semi-nude photos of her mailed to him before he left — on my :: sigh :: fiftieth birthday.
He is back now. Have been reading books like DIVORCE REMEDY and DIVORCE BUSTING. There may be hope of rebuilding. Prayers deeply appreciated.
Ashliegh, this is true and has happened twice in my extended family with the same person having the affair. It cost him his first marriage when he “hooked up” with his highschool sweetheart and is now threatening his second marriage to his highschool sweetheart. As a rule, I don’t have friends from the opposite sex as my friends except my husband and family memebers. I dont’ care if they are married to one of my bff’s. May God bless all of our marriages and keep them from the enemy. May we be diligent in keeping watch for the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy.
I have just read a couple of these replys and am very saddened by these posts. I believe in the healing power that God has for all things, including marriages and am praying that God will touch those who are in the act of sin but also those who are on the otherside. The grass is never greener just sometimes looks like it is. I am praying for all of you.
I posted earlier about my wife’s Facebook affair and she and her married love are together now. We are getting divorced and so is her married boyfriend. As painful as it has been. This is for the best. If our marriage could not stand the test of a Facebook, it was meant to end.
I am lucky that I did not have to initiate this. I am also lucky my wife found something else. Oh btw she has tried to come back but after she left for the physical part of the affair, the marriage was like a totaled car and damaged beyond repair.
I have let go and so look forward to a new life and fresh start. Happy, Happy, Happy.
I am living this right now. Ashleigh thank you so much for this post. I hope you and Jon are doing wonderful, God bless you!
I have a girlfriend who has reconnected with 3 guys she went to high school with, all are married and she has now slept with all 3 of them over a period of months now. She herself is seperated because of an affair. I also have another friend who knows of two people who are in the middle of divorce because of Facebook affairs. It really is amazing how I watch some of my friends with their posts and the flirtations that go on. They seem so innocent but I completely see how this whole thing develops and grows. Because of all of the above things, I myself have become less involved in Facebook and much more careful what I say and what conversations I become involved in.
My soon to be ex wife who I have posted about earlier with her FB boyfriend told me something that made sense. She said if this man had tried to pick her up or flirt with her in person she would have never given him the time of day. However his positive comments and words of encouragement daily, making her feel good, captured her attention and heart and then came the love letters and passion letters. So beware. FB is so different than real life. She knew what she was doing was wrong. Fantasy became real.
Mike
WOW is all I can say! Thank you very much for writing this. I had no idea that this is such a HUGE problem. Just last night my husband admitted to me that he had requested to be friends with a few very attractive women that he doesnt personally know just so he could look at their pictures. He lied to me for almost 3 hours about the entire thing, I asked him about the gals and he kept claiming he had no idea how they got on his friend list….I’m smarter than that! I’ve dealt with some abuse in my past and this has brought up all sorts of those memories and feelings that I did not want to deal with again. I feel so alone and broken. How much more is going on? How can I know what else he’s been doing? My trust in him is gone…how can I go on? I picked up my Bible and turned to Isaiah 41…God reminded me that He is with me and will help me. My husband and I are very active in our church and born again Christians……I see now how the enemy sits and waits for the right opportunity to sneak in and destroy marriages. Please pray for me…I dont know what to do.
i am in the early stages of trying to save my marriage from an affair that came about because of my poor choices and chatting in FB. As many have experienced, old friends , flames, etc have contacted each other. One girl whom i never dated but liked me back in HS contacted me as a friend and through a few chats things progressively got more sexual in nature in the chat. I was living in this fantasy world thinking i could talk to her in disgusting ways becuase she told me of her open sexualness. She agrred to meet me one night to “just talk” and before i knew it we were engaged in things that i don’t want to talk about. I believe that many of us feel that its ok in the “internet world” and that its just having fun online . Well it will destroy your lives, emotions, etc. My wife found out about the incidents and confronted me. I lied at first but she knew most of what went on and i confessed my disgusting sin to her. Now i pray that the Lord will grant me that “new beginning” with my wife of 17 years and my 2 small children. We are sheltering the kids right now and are still together in the home but she is grieving and i feel so incredibly heart broken for the pain that i have caused her. I can lay my problems, addictions, etc at the foot of the cross and pray that Jesus will guide us both back together and strengthen our marriage. You are right when you say you cant blame FB for this but Satan does use whatever he can to destroy marriages. I have deleted my FB account and have lost contact with over 500 friends from the past but i look at it as wether you have 5 friends or 500 friends , it only takes one that is willing to fall into temptation and then you will become invloved with that person and the hurt that it will cause is unmeasurable. I cry out to Jesus to allow me to rebuild my marriage. My actions are my own and i fully regret and repent of those actions and ask for your prayers as i will be praying for all of you and the thousands that may be in the same situation. God Bless
My wife of 23 years has just left me without any warning, and is allready seeing an old friend that she reconnected with on FB. She just told me they were writing each other for a few months. I trusted her, and this really hurts. I am a good provider, and we went away for weekend trips allot. Her life was not that tough to take. Two weeks ago today she kicked in square in the balls by telling me she was leaving. She had an apartment, and everything in place. I always thought no good can come from FB. I guess i was right.
I am glad if this site helps you understand that this breakup was not all your fault. How can someone keep all the secrets that your wife had to be keeping? I hope someday that she realizes what she has done to you and your children.
thank you you for this
so true, my wife flirted with her ex-b and sent him many private messages that i found by mistake. i have two young childrend that may be affected by all of this. it hurts so much to find out this way!! she claims innocence by claiming that what she posted (very personal and intimate material) was meant for him as a friend and not the x…. i’m not buying the stories, which could eventually lead to a divorce!! advise from others would be appreciated…
Update: I can’t recommend those books by Weiner-Davis highly enough! (Divorce Busting, etc) Anne Bercht also has a very helpful book on dealing w/life after an affair.
My marriage is again on solid footing (though prayers still appreciated!) and my husband is happy we’re together and appreciating ME again.
You are NOT responsible for your mate’s DUMB and THOUGHTLESSLY Cruel choices, but if you feel there is something worth salvaging in your marriage, take a good hard look at whether there are things YOU can do differently. It is SO worth it to try.
Good luck all, and God bless!
Beware its all true! Facebook is making it too easy to cheat! My marriage is going through this right now. It started with her connecting with a childhood friend on FB and ended in them having sex in my house. I love my wife so we are trying to work through this but this is very tough to deal with. If it were not for this social site they would have never connected this way!!
Had sex in your house? And you still love her? Are you wacked? Throw her to the curb. There are better women out there and you will be much much happier!
My wife and I just got divorced due to a Facebook affair. It went on for 6 months and included explicit pictures, intimate talk, and sharing very personal information. We have four kids, and she is the one who moved out. We are now happy. I am dating again. And the kids have been remarkable, all distinguished honor roll and well adjusted. There is life after something like this, and things can be better! Sometimes I guess the grass really is greener on the other side. It is in my case!
I’ve read several of the posters express that this was “the devils doing” and imply that other forces or reasons were the cause of them giving into temptation. Are you guys serious? That is so absolutely cowardly, irresponsible, and just outright dumb to think that someone would actually believe that. It is your fault and your fault alone. Nobody else to blame. There was obviously something wrong with your marriage in the first place that led you or your mate to do this. My husband got caught, and started crying that it was satan’s temptation that did this. What a load of poop. If he didn’t get caught, he would still be doing it. Blaming something else for it is unbelievably immature and irresponsible. Grow up. Take responsibility. Work through it.
You’re right about the getting caught part. I don’t believe my husband would have stopped his facebook emotional affair if I hadn’t caught him (all 4 times!!). It is amazing to see the transformation that occurs in the person you REALLY thought you knew in a matter of days. The “old flame” my husband reconnected with had his tattoos hennad on her body and then had the gaul to post pictures of her bikini and tattoo-clad body on Facebook. I confronted the woman via e-mail and told her she was wrong and needs to back off. She responded that I was stalking her and wouldn’t be able to be a good mother from behind bars. We have 2 small children and I was (and still am) scared for their future because of the strain on our marriage. At first, my husband said he wasn’t doing anything wrong “it’s just words” he would say. I told him he needed to respect the marriage and stop. He again downplayed it and I think I cried for a week straight. Then I wrote the OW another e-mail telling her exactly what my husband is/does/how he looks, etc., because I know he has a tendency to embellish (at the very least)/ He came home that day very apologetic and agreed to cease contact with the OW and begin marriage counseling with me. I WAS ECSTATIC! I knew our marriage had problems before all this and was happy to finally be able to work on fixing them. Fast forward to 2 months later when I found a text from her (hidden under another’s name). He was duping me for 2 months!! Further investigation revealed they were texting each other upwards of 200 times a day!! Including from the hotel room on our 11 year anniversary!! DISGUSTING!! He gave me his phone, deleted all e-mail accounts, deactivated his FB account, promised to go to counseling, etc. I feel like a fool for still being with him. Every day is a struggle and I know that he is finally sorry, but I just don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I also don’t believe he loves me, no matter how many times he says it or tries to show it. I’ve observed the level of passion he is capable of and I don’t even get a fraction of that. After reading everyone else’s comments, however, I’ve decided to pray for others because I don’t think we are worth the thoughts.
Hi Alison, please read the whole reply, I want to try to help.
Your story is very much the same as mine. I know I wasn’t the perfect husband; there are ALWAYS two sides to everything. When my wife’s FB affair(s) started it really rock my world and eventually effected the environment in the house, my children were affected no matter how much we tried to keep things out of ear shot, they just know. I almost became obsessed with trying to monitor my wife, to see if she had actually ended all communications etc. I was monitoring phones, computes, email, analyising her behavior etc etc. I was so hurt and obsessed about all of this, I kept thinking, if only she could stop all of it, step away from the computer and work together with me we might be able to save our marriage of almost 20 years.
Now it is over a year later, our divorce will be final in a week or two, I went through several emotional phases, shock, anger, resentment, sadness, etc etc. Eventually, I looked at the big picture; the reality is she had one foot out the door before the first FB affair, she though she had been trying to get my attention that she was unsatisfied and unhappy and if I am honest with myself she was, but I was so busy in life, trying to be a good provider, a great Dad, work on the house etc etc that I just didn’t get it.
Now, looking back I wish I would have just called it quits a year ago, so much pain would have been saved, I could be focusing on my happiness and really focus on my three children. I am already so much happier. Yes I have flashbacks, I have my “victim story”, I have occasional bouts of resentment and many nights I am very very lonely. But it is all changing, some day I’ll meet someone else that will make me happy and will appreciate me for who I am. I have also taken an honest look at what I could have done better, what I did wrong which I think is critical to really ‘let go’ and to not repeat the same mistake in the future, with a significant other, or with my children or close family and friends.
I don’t know you, but I know this subject all too well. I strongly recommend you quickly and swiftly leave your husband. You’ll need a good counselor (an attorney is not a counselor) to help you before, during and after. Your husband will react in all sorts of ways, make you feel guilty, blame you, make you worry about the kids, make promises etc. But…if you want to really make a difference in your life and your children’s life, this is what is needed. You never know, it is entirely possible that you and your husband could re-marry in a year or so, once everyone eats some humble pie and moves past the emotions of the moment. I go to the house to see the kids, have dinner with them and my (ex) wife, they all come over here, the kids are coming and staying at my place on a regular bases and my wife and I are working as friends and partners when it comes to co-parenting. So who knows…I’m just taking it a day at a time and what comes to be comes to be. I would be glad to chat with you one on one if you ever need an ear. Just send me a note at guyricha (at) g mail (dot) c om
BTW – on the subject of divorce. It is a horrible horrible process, my ex and I tried really hard to work together and it got so difficult and complicated and EXPENSIVE because of the attorneys. Their goal (all of them) is to milk you. I highly recommend going with a ‘Collaborative Divorce’, it is much more civil, private and constructive. Just do a Google search on it.
Oh…BTW re: your last sentence. You are wrong, you guys are worth the thoughts and prayers, pray for yourself, pray for your husband. Talk to people and get help. At a minimum, you owe it to your children to stand up straight and make your happiness and life a priority. You HAVE TO PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST if you want to help your own children.
[...] have a frequently hit post about Facebook Affairs and Ashleigh has one with about 50 stories in the [...]
My wife is on Facebook. 2 days ago she told me that her old flame found her and contacted her on FB so she added him as a friend (he is many miles away btw). Today, he calls her on her cell phone (meaning she emailed him her number) and she answered the phone and had a happy look on her face. I talked to him and he said that she found and contacted him on FB. my wife lied to me. she is soon gonna have a new address because I’m not putting up with this.
Hi all, I wanted to jump in here an add my experience. I met a man on Facebook about 4 years ago. My marriage of 19 years was always poor. I should add that I have two incredible children, both in their teens. Anyway, this man was wonderful. We connected emotionally in a way I never have connected with any man before. We met after a while, and I eventually left my ‘then’ husband. This man and I married in November. Our kids are fine. My ex-husband was so hurt by this, but he now understands that we had a defective marriage to start with.
My point is, that a Facebook affair is not the problem. If the marriage is healthy then there will be no affair. The Facebook affair was a RESULT of a bad marriage. In my case, it did work out great. I have never, ever been so happy in my life.
So it is not the ‘devil’, it is not that terrible facebook, it is your marriage. If you are saying that your marriage was great and facebook ruined it, you are kidding yourself. One or both of you are blind to the fact that someone does not feel fulfilled in your relationship.
I totally agree, my wife reconnected on fb with her high school boyfriend, and so they could communicate withoutme knowing, he gave her his password so they message. Each other through his inbox messages
I found that my wife friended a single man that she never met or knew before. The man’s profile makes it clear that he is single and looking for a relationship. Before I ask her about this, I wanted to know if I am overreacting by being so concerned? Is this OK?
Jas
I just went through this with my wife of 12 years whom I adore. She recently friend requested ‘her first’ from high school. The guy is a small town cop in Oklahoma. Funny thing is, the most recent picture of himself is from about 17 years ago judging by the colorspace and graininess of the photo (I’m a photoshop expert)
At any rate, he was filling her head with ideas of running off together and leaving me in the dust. I would have NEVER, EVER guessed that my wife would have an affiar. Our marriage was built on Christ’s love for us and ordained by God.
We have both watched “Fireproof” and I have recently purchased the “Love Dare” book on eBay and I am anxiously awaiting its arrival. I caught this one in time but the hurt and pain is PURE TORTURE. If only I could get her to stop texting this guy. He cheated on his first wife and now he’s cheating with mine. Although she is a Christian, she seems blinded to this guy’s obvious sins. It is like she is in a haze or cloud or something.
I plan to fight with every fiber of my being to win her heart back. People say facebook is evil. Facebook isn’t evil but there are a lot of evil facebook users.
That’s all I have to say about that.
Mark
Update.
My wife thinks this is some kind of ‘game’. She refuses to tell him that we are going to work on salvaging our marriage nor does she intend to break it off with this jerk. While I am a big believer in prayer and bringing my suffering before the LORD, I am not taking this lying down.
Games are supposed to be ‘fun’ but I can assure you I am not having any.
My solution? Simple. I sent a facebook message to everyone on the ‘other man’s’ friend list. I sent the same message to all 81 friends. Here it is:
—– snip —–
Just curious if you knew your friend “Buddy” is having a facebook affair.
I know this because he’s having this online affair with MY WIFE.
This guy claims to be a “Christian” but he’s telling a married woman that he loves her and wants to be with her.
WHAT A GUY!!! Tell everyone you know that this guy is a cheater and a coward. I’ve confronted him about it and he doesn’t have the stones to respond to me.
Thought you should know.
That’s all I have to say about that.
Mark
—– snip —–
They say that SIN hates being in the spotlight and the only way to deal with SIN is to cast a white hot light on it.
What do you think of ‘my solution’?
Mark
Update #2.
It worked. I just heard from ‘loverboy’. Here is what he said:
—– snip —–
Mark i don’t know what your deal is but here are the facts. Iam involved with someone i have no plans to mess up ur life. If i caused you or her any problems iam sorry. I will not respond to her or to you any longer on anything. U do what you want but i don’t want anything to do with either of you. (Period)
—– snip —–
Feel empowered my beleaguered brothers and sisters.
My wayward wife and I have a marriage counseling session tonight at six. Should get interesting.
Mark
Hi Mark,
I’m sure some would take argument with your method, but the bottom line you forced an issue that had to be dealt with. I say nice job.
Now…I know from experience that regardless of the status of this emotional affair, you have a long road to recovery and the odds are against both of you, but it isn’t impossible. Ideally you probably would have liked to have seen your wife suddenly realize what she was doing and cut off all communique immediately without your intervention. I promise you, warn you that she is going to miss her “friend” terribly for awhile, even though she may admit it is wrong, or sorta wrong, or they can be just friends. Assume that they will resume contact again via FB or other means. You can’t block and tackle every move either makes. You can’t control what others do, only how you respond. I recommend that you be ready to tell her that under no uncertain terms will you tolerate any contact, not even a single instance of “just wanted to say sorry or good bye…I just wanted to make sure everything was okay…or I just want to make sure it doesn’t come back to haunt “US”…”
Be prepared to walk out of the house with bags in hand even if you are not 100% positive contact has been made. I should have done this and I did not. Too much pain happened to save my marriage of 19 years.
Now about the counseling….plan on many many visits. If the counselor doesn’t feel right, try another. I know from experience that there is a big difference from one to the next. Focus on what lead to this desire to seek intimacy from an outside source. It probably isn’t just limited to this one fellow, but she is probably like many married women and uses FB as an escape from her reality. So you need to focus on what the underlying issues are, don’t dwell on what she did, he did, who hid what, who lied about what, who won’t admit something is wrong versus innocent. Focus on what is really going on. She is not happy in marriage for something, which means YOU have been doing something to create a part of her dissatisfaction. There are always two sides to everything. Don’t compare wrongs or anything. If you love her and want to stay with her, it will take work and focus on the real issues.
I no longer look back and see the betrayel, the pain, the deception. My feelings are no longer hurt, I’ve surrendered and moved on and now I look back at my marriage with pride for what we had and accomplished. I’ve moved on. No more resentment, hate etc.
Feel free to contact me at guyricha (at) gmail (dot) com if you want to contact me for anything.
You have to be the solid, emotionally mature and stable person now if you want your marriage to survive. Heck, you need to do that if you want to be at peace even if your marriage doesn’t survive this.
Regards,
Guy
I have been married 20 years, have 4 children, and recently got facebook. I recently started chatting on facebook with a guy I liked when I was 15 years old (the only thing that happened between us back then was he held my hand once and we exchanged notes to one another for about 9 months). He had to get married at a young age due to his girlfriend’s pregnancy and has been married 25 years with 4 children as well. We hadn’t spoken or seen each other in 23 yrs when he started chatting with me. We quickly realized (within about an hour) that both of us have had the desire to be together all of these years. He said he had been intimidated of me in high school because he liked me so much and I felt the same way to the point that we couldn’t speak to one another freely. We both didn’t think we were good enough for the other and we didn’t know that we had huge crushes on each other. We both admitted that we thought about the other very frequently and always wondered what marriage would have been like together. Within a week of chatting, we both admitted that if we had had no children, we would both leave our spouses and date each other — even though we’ve been married for so many years. Yes, it can happen very quickly. In our case, it happened even more quickly because neither of us ever knew the true feelings of the other and our feelings were very strong. Also, my husband has never done much to make me feel like we were a couple or that he loved me. He refuses to take me on dates (been on 3 in 10 years despite me asking him to go — he doesn’t want to), has never bought me flowers or a nice gift for a birthday or Christmas other than things like brooms and sweepers, and chooses to go out by himself instead of going out with me. He also turns me down often when I initiate relations with him or he doesn’t want me to bother him while he’s watching television. He goes to bed before our children do, as well, making any real communication with him almost impossible. This other man has a wife who was abused as a child and she pushes him away (she’s never slept in the same bedroom with him by her choice, either), so he doesn’t feel enough love from her. We have decided that we won’t do anything physical with one another even though we want to. We’re going to meet for lunch to talk and chat on facebook. But, I’m afraid that we will be found out because we have chatted for up to 3 hours at a time after our spouses were asleep. I just don’t know what to do. This is part of the reason that we decided to not have anything physical — so we could keep talking always, but in a way I feel the emotional connection is so strong that it makes me like my husband even less and I’m afraid that my old friend and I may become attached to the point that we do want to have something physical. There are 8 children between us, though, and I can’t fathom messing up all of their lives. We want them to have both parents in the house. Right now, we want to offer emotional support to one another so we can cope with the situations we are in. Chatting with him brings happiness and at the same time frustration and some sadness that we didn’t realize how we felt 28 years ago. Now, I feel like we can’t go back. We can’t just stop chatting because we like each very much and get a boost from each other. I wanted to share that to let people know how quickly it can happen.
Lucy,
I have counseled many people on this subject (emotional affairs, physical affairs and especially FB initiated affairs).
I’m sure you won’t believe me because your brain is full of those chemicals one gets when they first fall in love. The ones that make you feel like you’ve known someone forever, where you can’t get that someone out of your head, every song makes you think of them, you only see the good and nothing they do gets on your nerves. It is all scientifically proven stuff actually…like MRI brain scan stuff. But….
Don’t do this. Not now. You are about to embark on something that you may regret for the rest of your life. I am not saying you shouldn’t seek happiness. I am not saying you shouldn’t do something about the state of your married life. But first thing is first.
I’ve read your post two times, both times I feel like you are attempting to justify what you are doing. You seem to think everything is harmless as long as nothing physical happens. I’ve been in your husbands shoes and I guarantee you I would have preferred that I found out my ex was giving oral sex in parking lots to strangers she met while out with the girls instead of having an emotional affair over Facebook, text, email and phone calls. I can’t be compared to your husband but regardless of what your husband does or does not do, any type of affair is simply wrong, it hurts other people, other spouses, children and relatives. When, NOT IF this all gets out and disrupts or ends your marriage, there will certainly be friends and relatives that hear about it. Some will take sides; most will form biased opinions of you and/or your husband. Your kids will hear about it, if not now…some day. Why do I say it is ’simply wrong’? Well…you can act like it is harmless but if it were actually harmless, why not tell your husband everything? Let him read all of your communications with this other guy. Ask your husband to tag along when you meet with this other married guy for a ‘harmless’ get together?
Here is my point. Loving couples shouldn’t keep secrets, lie and deceive each other. Loving couples should try not to do anything that they wouldn’t do if their significant other were sitting right next to them. Your husband could be the worst husband in the history of mankind, but that shouldn’t change who you are, your values, your character and soul.
About this other man. You may think you know him, but you don’t. I don’t care how much you instant message, email, text and talk on the phone. He is not anything like what you remembered when he was 15, and the same goes for you. I could very very easily paint myself to be a certain type of guy to a girl I knew in highschool, especially now that I am older; especially with using the internet and telephones to always portray the very best in what another woman would be looking for.
He could be EXACTLY like your husband in real life. He might be an uncaring husband and father, he might be rude to strangers. You don’t know how he is at the end of a tough day when the kids are fighting, the house is a mess, bills need to be paid and his favorite game is on TV.
You just know that someone cares about you, someone pays attention to you right now. Someone sends you sweet notes or messages in the middle of the night. Feels wonderful doesn’t it? “If only my husband could talk to me and understand me the way you do….”
Now…he might be your long lost soul mate…very possible. However, first thing is first. Tell him you have to stop ALL communication and I mean ALL. If he is “the one” he will still be “the one” in 6 months (or whatever it takes to take care of personal business).
Now turn your attention to your life and your husband. If you can’t stand him, if you think it is hopeless, then do something about it. He might think everything is fine, he might be taking everything for granted. He might just need a wake up call and some good counseling. You have most likely told or given him endless signals over and over that you don’t feel loved and that you are not happy with your marriage. Wouldn’t you rather tell your kids when they are older that you wish a divorce didn’t have to happen, but it was necessary for your happiness and that if you couldn’t be happy, you couldn’t be the best mother possible and that you wouldn’t want them to ever intentionally settle for an unhappy life. Would you allow them to make excuses about ‘timing’, money, ability to support yourself, or other fears? It is all really a moot point. You can be proactive and do something about it, or let it catch up to you and the pain, damage, emotional/physical/financial suffering will be 100 times worse. I promise you, I swear to you it isn’t a matter of IF this catches up to you, it is a matter of WHEN. Sex or no sex, this will end badly.
1 in 4 divorce decrees filed in the United States filed mentioned Facebook in 2009. I don’t blame Facebook for anything. I just know that it is a involved in a rapidly growing trend. 67% of the time it is a woman that initiates the (emotional) affair. A majority of these women are between 32 and 40 years of age. More than half are stay at home moms. I saw lots of communications between my wife and men that she never had an emotional affair with. I couldn’t believe the number of men that said something like “…you probably don’t know this, but I always felt…” or “…do you ever wonder what it would be like if…”.
Lucy. Decide what kind of person you want to be and start being that person.
If you want to contact me personally I would be glad to help in any way I can. My email is guyricha (at) gmail (dot) com.